It’s OK, mum… I met him online; I’ve been talking to him for weeks.

Despite the public comment, the in-school education programs, and the scary movies on the darkest of possible outcomes, young people are simply not scared enough by online relationships. The very same child who would tell a stranger that they won’t get into their car will spend hours in their own home being the subject of careful online grooming by nefarious strangers with evil intent without the blink of an eye. I’ve lived this scenario; let me paint the whole picture for you.

Two young adults, 18 and 19 years old, have been using online applications to fish for other young people to talk to. They have worked together on the computer at the kitchen table; there is much giggling and seemingly innocent conversation about countries of origin, sharing stories about school, interests and so forth with young people they are meeting. This goes on nightly for several weeks. They have “met” via videoconferencing with several young people from all over the world. It all seems like a beefed-up pen pal situation …. No alarm bells go off in my mind.

These are relatively sensible girls, and they are doing this meeting app thing together in a public area of the house.  They asked if I would allow them to meet in person with anyone they met online if they ever came near. Of course, I say no, with full awareness that they don’t have to listen to me at their age anyway. I’m emphatic: NO … and a few online friends ghost the girls. My spider sense is peaked, and I start taking a closer interest. This ghosting didn’t concern the girls at all; they felt that people had just moved on, it was a coincidence.

After two weeks or so, the question of meeting someone in person from their online adventures is raised again. I’m suspicious and test the waters, “OK, so long as I chaperone you.” … once again, this imposition resulted in the summary ghosting of the two girls by their contacts.

Thinking the episode was over, and after several deep and meaningful conversations about the potential dangers of connecting with online strangers, I relaxed. Too soon.

A best friend was visiting with some cousins from New Zealand, and they asked if they could spend time with them and stay with them for a few days. I say no to staying over but yes to social outings, and I insist on meeting them myself. All seemed okay, but I was duped. I wasn’t alarmed when only one cousin came. He seemed nice enough, a little bit older than the girls, and the best friend would stay at the hotel in an adjacent room. I’m pretty good at sniffing out a lie, but I wasn’t quick enough this time.

After the fact, they were talking about the young man in conflicting ways … he was a real estate agent, he was a chef, he was a schoolmate, he was an old friend, and he gave them gifts ( his old ice skates) that he had brought from New Zealand for them, and that just happened to be brand new and exactly their size. Finally, it turned out that no adjacent hotel room was booked for the best friend. They didn’t go on social outings, instead they spent their entire time in his hotel room. They didn’t know much about him when pressed for information. It turned out, with tearful admission, that he was indeed a stranger, and they had set up an entire week with him, having met him online. He had come to Australia specifically to meet with them, and they had been with him in the hotel room for most of the time. So dangerous!

Now, I reflect on my opening position: These girls would not go into their car with a stranger. They would not even chat with a strange man in a public place. They would only ever meet with someone if properly introduced. So why was this different? Why did these girls allow themselves to be groomed by this man? I think there are a few things to consider here:

1. They met him in our kitchen with the bustling family scene all around them.
2. They met him together.
3. They spent a couple of weeks talking together.
4. They had video conferences, and he seemed genuine.
5. They felt safe and justified in lying to avoid my rules of engagement.
6. They were adults in the eyes of the law, so there was no sense of illegality to contend with.
7. They were very comfortable meeting people online and believe that they could capably detect fabrications.

In comparison with the scenario where they would reject an invitation to get into a stranger’s car:

1. The car would seem unfamiliar.
2. They would not have initiated the conversation.
3. The invitation would seem impromptu.
4. They wouldn’t feel safe as they’d be away from their family context.

So, I failed. They were lucky to have come out of it alive. I’ll never know if the time in the hotel room descended into decadent behaviour. Until I can mentally process this, computers have been confiscated…

What would you do?